That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
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As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
<- sleeps well with others
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Schrödinger’s cookie
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.