Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
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Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
😲 WTF? 😆
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested