I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
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Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
#oldknees
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish