My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
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[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.