I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
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Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Did I do this right
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!