It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
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ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Saturday
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”