I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
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I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
HELP 😭
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.