A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
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@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing