will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
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What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done