My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
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Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap