Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
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Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
#milo
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”