Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
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Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Pikachu found the lost joint
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.