I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*