*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
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me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested