If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Well, that didn’t work.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”