Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
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boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Pickled cat.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in