Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
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When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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I wish I were this cool 😂
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women