A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
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Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.