John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
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Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Morning.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Appendi
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Appendiii
Appendiv
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Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
huge if true: the moon