love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
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No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
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My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!