which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
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[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
who wore it better?
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
*struts into the new year
~ trips