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I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇