My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
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Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist