LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
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Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
So sick of all these stupid rules
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Boom, boom, ching!
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.