If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
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Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language