My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
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Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
i smell a pulitzer
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.