if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
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The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Every work meeting this week
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement