[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
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Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”