Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
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Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.