[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
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👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Found my door mat
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.