Fat chances are my favorite chances
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When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth