*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
You Might Also Like
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.