before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.