Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
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Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice