Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
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I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome