I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
You Might Also Like
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
our love story in four pictures
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality