Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
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Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
I am yelling