Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
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“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately