step 6: release the wall snake
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Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.