*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
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I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
somebody come look at this
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
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