I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
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The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I’ll be mad as hell!
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.