Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
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2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
So inspired right now.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way