I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
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By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Happy weekend !
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife