Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
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HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Now, where’s the sport in that?
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.