I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
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Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Okay me first
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.