I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
You Might Also Like
dutch is not a serious language
I would move hell over six inches for you
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator