Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
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corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
#catsoftwitter
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.