Leaving the Barbers like
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Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.