Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
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[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Employees must applaud the planets.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb