[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
You Might Also Like
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.